Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
