The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
