he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
