Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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