im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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