For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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