she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
