Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
