from now on my penis is your penis
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
