yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
