My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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