well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
