I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
