textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
