My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
