you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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