Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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