Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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