I need to stop coming to work sober
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
