my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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