I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
