If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
