I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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