My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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