i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
