Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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