Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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