Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
