Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
