Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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