At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
