I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
