The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
