Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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