is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize