Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You were trust falling into bushes
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
