I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
