I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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