My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
