Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
