My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
