Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
