Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
