Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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