If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
