Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
