i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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