they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize