I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
