I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
