I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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