she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize