i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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