well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
