I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
