Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
