I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
