Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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