Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
