I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
