my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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