Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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