I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
