Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
